Breaking/Broken News You Might Have Missed

Sometimes the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken.

Breaking/Broken News You Might Have Missed: sometimes the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken:

1. Las Vegas Raiders Traded for the Nation of Chad.

The owners of the Las Vegas Raiders have traded the storied football franchise for the country of Chad.

After announcing the trade–the first of a sports team for an entire nation–the spokesperson said, “The 16.8 million people of Chad will reap tremendous financial rewards from a great football franchise, and from the managerial expertise of the Raiders team.”

Chad’s incoming Management Team promised local elections will still be held in villages and urban neighborhoods, though all national policies will be in the hands of Management.

Once the Raiders’ new stadium has been completed, Chad’s Management Team has promised a national lottery in which the winners will be flown to Las Vegas and given box seats to a Raiders game and comped rooms and $100 in gambling chips at one of the city’s casinos.

“Manchester United was also in the running,” an unidentified source disclosed, “but the people of Chad wisely chose the Raiders.”

Chad’s incoming Management Team issued a statement regarding their plans for the nation. “We see a bright future for Chad as the gaming capital of Africa, a future that will greatly improve the incomes of Chad’s impoverished citizens.” The spokesperson also noted the “fantastic opportunities for local firms in Chad to manufacture Raiders swag and Raiders-branded clothing,” merchandise which is currently made elsewhere.

According to public opinion surveys, Chad’s citizens are unfamiliar with American football and would have preferred trading their nation for the Los Angeles Lakers.

2. Overloaded Ferry Capsizes in Indonesia, all Passengers Miraculously Saved

It looked like yet another capsizing-ferry tragedy in the making in rough Indonesian waters until a billionaire’s super-yacht altered course to pluck the 248 passengers and crew from the water.

The yacht’s captain relayed the good news that not only were all passengers and crew rescued despite the rough seas, “We not only were able to accommodate all passengers and crew in our guest cabins, we have a number of guest quarters that are still vacant and available for media and government visitors.”

The super-yacht’s chef is preparing a meal for the grateful survivors of lobster tail, caviar, quinoa with sliced truffles and fresh blueberry sorbet. “Luckily we just restocked in Bahrain,” the chef said. “Our entire staff is honored to serve the survivors a delightful gourmet meal to boost their spirits.”

Unfortunately, two pigs and six chickens appear to have been lost when the ferry sank.

3. Big Tech Voluntarily Agrees to Compensate All Content Creators Who They Banned or Shadow-Banned

In a stunning reversal of the usual corporate stonewalling and greed, America’s Big Tech firms–social media and search–have voluntarily agreed to fund a $1 billion fund to compensate those content creators who the firms banned, shadow-banned and demonetized without any legal precedent or foundation.

“Given the information supplied to us by the FBI and other federal agencies, we thought we were serving the national interest,” the consortium spokesperson said. “We regret accepting these instructions without considering the grave Constitutional violations that compliance incurred.”

Off the record, the spokesperson admitted that many of those who will receive compensation “went from enjoying a middle-class income for their creative content to eating cat-food beneath a freeway underpass” after their content was demonetized.

The announcement noted that the compensation does not reflect any admission of wrong-doing or liability for the untold damage Big Tech needlessly inflicted on the Constitution, the national interest and content creators who were shadow-banned and demonetized without any evidence or recourse.

In a coincidence that might offer those destroyed by Big Tech’s unconstitutional censorship some ironic amusement, the consortium’s administrators’ names are H. Kafka and J. Orwell.

This post is a parody.


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