The Mystery of UFOs/UAPs: Solved

Imagine the immensity of their disappointment in discovering Earth offers few opportunities for trade or investment.


New research has finally solved the mystery of why UFOs/UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena) have been visiting Earth since the late 1940s. The revelations are even more shocking than we imagined.

As many have surmised, our neighbors detected our nuclear explosions in 1945 and took this as evidence that Earthlings had become, well, of interest.

It turns out our galactic neighbors were bamboozled into a Ponzi scheme involving Planet Earth. Yes, this is the shocker: our technologically advanced neighbors are just as greedy and prone to being conned as we are. (This also suggests their ChatAIv4000 isn’t all that infallible, either.)

The Central Bank of Centuri seems to have issued an exclusive license to “develop investment and trade with Planet Earth” to their equivalent of a corporation or Special Purpose Entity (SPV). This financial entity then issued shares in this fabulous new opportunity which soon exploded in value.

Some of this money funded exploratory visits to Earth but so far as we can tell, no actual trade or investment was initiated.

The majority of the money ended up inflating a speculative bubble akin to the South Sea Bubble of 1720 in which a financial entity was granted a monopoly to provide slaves to South Seas islands. (Such a noble venture!) The profits were anticipated to be immense, and hence the bubble. But no actual development or trade occurred, and so the bubble crashed.

Fortunes were made and wiped out in both the South Sea Bubble and the Earth Bubble. The recent uptick in visits from our gullible neighbors appears to be “fact-finding” missions launched by bamboozled investors to see for themselves if any of this gloriously profitable trade and development has actually occurred.

Imagine the immensity of their disappointment in discovering Earth offers few opportunities for trade or investment. The Earthlings are hopelessly violent, short-tempered and hard-wired to focus on short-term exploitation of whatever is available, never mind the eventual consequences.

Any technological transfer would be turned to monopoly and conquest, a nightmare that must be avoided at all costs. Apparently our neighbors have also realized that Earthlings are untrustworthy and will stiff their partners in a heartbeat if the opportunity arises.

The aliens’ Special Purpose Entity is now trying to salvage its solvency by pivoting to “Earth as Entertainment.”
Our neighbors long ago abandoned the cruelty and exploitation that characterizes Earthling endeavors, and so our neighbors view our activities much as the Romans viewed the gory staged battles on the blood-soaked sands of the Coliseum: unmatchable entertainment.

So far, this entertainment value has drowned out the calls of the more prudent aliens who have lobbied for an immediate eradication of humanity, returning Earth to its pre-humanity state of Nature, as a precautionary measure.

But the situation remains dynamic, so we shouldn’t count on our entertainment value to save us longer term. The natives on newly surveyed Zoanoak 3 might prove to be even more sex-crazed, blood-thirsty and ruthless than humanity.

This is my April Fools Day post.

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